No two people are the same. That can be a blessing when you find interesting people that you enjoy for different reasons. And that can be a bad thing when you realize just how many varied justifiable reasons there are to choke the shit out of people.
This post is about the former.
I've read some really great blogs since I first became aware of them. Some funny, some thoughtful, some just random and weird. I have enjoyed every blog I've written about and linked to and all for different reasons.
The other day a new face commented on a post and I promised to read her blog. Having done so now, I am recommending you all stop reading this nonsense and go read there.
Shea over at My Haven is fantastically funny. And not what passes for humor in today's post-Jackass world. But actually funny.
Her post I Gave up Walmart for this is a good place to start. Be sure to hit the About tabs at the top too.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monkey Things
If you've never played The Game Of Things, I highly recommend buying it, assembling your most juvenile friends, and giving it a try. The rules are simple, players take turns reading a card, everyone writes a response to the card, the responses are read, and players take turns guessing who said what.
This game can be dangerous in my house. The kids are given a little more leeway than they usually get with their language and they make the most of it. People are insulted, horrific political incorrectness flows freely, and occasionally things are shot from mouths or noses when someone forgets not to eat or drink as the answers are read.
It's four in the morning, I can't sleep and I can't think of anything else to write so I've decided to grab the first 10 cards from the box and answer them here. Let's see what we get.
1. Things you shouldn't do on a bus.
Beat off the guy next to you.
2. Things you would do if you were a dictator.
My interns.
3. Things you would like to change.
Jennifer Aniston's thong, using only my teeth.
4. Things you never see in the country.
Asians.
5. Things that are naughty.
All the best women.
6. Things you would like to do in a blackout.
Crotch shot a stranger for no damn reason.
7. Things you shouldn't laugh at.
Midgets running, but how can ya not?
8. Things you shouldn't mix.
Betty's tits. (Sorry, inside joke. Believe me, it's hysterical)
9. Things you just can't believe.
The "Lady" in Lady Gaga.
10. Things about women that frustrate you.
That they wear clothing.
11. Things that are politically incorrect.
The answers to numbers 4 and 7.
Yes, I know I said ten and that was eleven. I don't even follow my own rules!
Feel free to leave answers to any or all of these in the comment section.
This game can be dangerous in my house. The kids are given a little more leeway than they usually get with their language and they make the most of it. People are insulted, horrific political incorrectness flows freely, and occasionally things are shot from mouths or noses when someone forgets not to eat or drink as the answers are read.
It's four in the morning, I can't sleep and I can't think of anything else to write so I've decided to grab the first 10 cards from the box and answer them here. Let's see what we get.
1. Things you shouldn't do on a bus.
Beat off the guy next to you.
2. Things you would do if you were a dictator.
My interns.
3. Things you would like to change.
Jennifer Aniston's thong, using only my teeth.
4. Things you never see in the country.
Asians.
5. Things that are naughty.
All the best women.
6. Things you would like to do in a blackout.
Crotch shot a stranger for no damn reason.
7. Things you shouldn't laugh at.
Midgets running, but how can ya not?
8. Things you shouldn't mix.
Betty's tits. (Sorry, inside joke. Believe me, it's hysterical)
9. Things you just can't believe.
The "Lady" in Lady Gaga.
10. Things about women that frustrate you.
That they wear clothing.
11. Things that are politically incorrect.
The answers to numbers 4 and 7.
Yes, I know I said ten and that was eleven. I don't even follow my own rules!
Feel free to leave answers to any or all of these in the comment section.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Like a Virgin
My dear friend Josie has a post up about a show she watched named The Virgin Diaries.
As the name suggests, it's a show about virgins. You know, because virgins are so interesting. Nothing quite like watching sexually frustrated people being awkward. Well, nothing except watching 6 sexually frustrated people being awkward together, as was almost the case in the episode Josie watched. Why almost? We'll get to that later.
I've never heard of this show before reading Josie's description so I went on a search for information.
Oh sweet jesus....
Thirty seconds of pure unfiltered are ya fuckin kidding me TV gold.
The 29 and 30 year old virgin women giggling like they are twelve and someone had just said penis explains oh so very much. My dick said, "no Frank," and I wasn't even thinking about it.
Then they cut to the guy saying, "I'm not entirely a virgin by choice." Well no shit. I didn't need to even hear him to know the last time he saw a real vagina was as he passed through it. Dude, look at you. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he has a van with "Free Candy" painted on the side.
But my favorite is the end. The couple that saved even their first kiss for their wedding day. It's a horrifically bad idea to wait until marriage to have sex. It's an even worse idea to not even kiss.
Why?
Did you watch that? They looked like they were trying to eat one another's face. I've never much cared to watch people kiss, unless of course they are hot lesbians, but that was just wrong. You can see them chewing for fucks sake. When their naughty bits finally make contact, someone is going to get hurt.
I wish I could find video of the episode Josie saw, or at least footage of the woman she describes who was part of a triple virgin date. Six virgins repulsing one another on television. Score!
Anyway, this woman, while not technically a virgin because she's sat on at least seven penises, has reclaimed her virginity. My mind immediately conjured visions of someone on a quest through an ancient Mayan temple to retrieve it. Indiana Jones and the Lost Cherry.
Reclaimed your virginity? Look, whore, you can't reclaim your virginity. Like your chance to ever win a round of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, your choices in life have rendered it impossible. Ok, I don't really think Ms. Sevendicks is a whore. I don't really give a shit if she has taken on her entire county one family at a time. But the stupidity of her reclamation is mind blowingly fucktarded.
Are real virgins so hard to find that they actually had to put this woman on?
Josie wonders how one would bring up being, up to that point in your life, entirely unfuckable in casual first date conversation. She worded it differently of course but the point is the same.
I imagine having the television crew there filming it would help.
"Um, why are there all these people here filming us."
"Oh, these guys. Well, I'm thirty and so far I've repulsed every woman I've ever encountered. The closest I've come to any action was the time the nun kicked me in the nuts and sprayed me with mace. Misunderstanding really, we were waiting for the bus and it was a hundred degrees out. I said she looked hot. Wanna head back to my place, I'll show you my cool Star Wars collectables and if everything goes well, maybe these guys can film me losing my qualification to be on this show, if ya know what I mean?"
Women being virgins after the "teen" drops from their age is usually because of awkwardness at the mere thought of sex brought on by parents, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, and other equally annoying people preaching at them about how naughty being naked is.
Men being virgins at that same point is usually because they're fucking creepy.
If you are unfuckable, there is an email address on the web site looking for more virgins willing to share their non-stories.
Sometimes you just have to admire the unintentional humor of the world around us.
As the name suggests, it's a show about virgins. You know, because virgins are so interesting. Nothing quite like watching sexually frustrated people being awkward. Well, nothing except watching 6 sexually frustrated people being awkward together, as was almost the case in the episode Josie watched. Why almost? We'll get to that later.
I've never heard of this show before reading Josie's description so I went on a search for information.
Oh sweet jesus....
Thirty seconds of pure unfiltered are ya fuckin kidding me TV gold.
The 29 and 30 year old virgin women giggling like they are twelve and someone had just said penis explains oh so very much. My dick said, "no Frank," and I wasn't even thinking about it.
Then they cut to the guy saying, "I'm not entirely a virgin by choice." Well no shit. I didn't need to even hear him to know the last time he saw a real vagina was as he passed through it. Dude, look at you. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he has a van with "Free Candy" painted on the side.
But my favorite is the end. The couple that saved even their first kiss for their wedding day. It's a horrifically bad idea to wait until marriage to have sex. It's an even worse idea to not even kiss.
Why?
Did you watch that? They looked like they were trying to eat one another's face. I've never much cared to watch people kiss, unless of course they are hot lesbians, but that was just wrong. You can see them chewing for fucks sake. When their naughty bits finally make contact, someone is going to get hurt.
I wish I could find video of the episode Josie saw, or at least footage of the woman she describes who was part of a triple virgin date. Six virgins repulsing one another on television. Score!
Anyway, this woman, while not technically a virgin because she's sat on at least seven penises, has reclaimed her virginity. My mind immediately conjured visions of someone on a quest through an ancient Mayan temple to retrieve it. Indiana Jones and the Lost Cherry.
Reclaimed your virginity? Look, whore, you can't reclaim your virginity. Like your chance to ever win a round of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, your choices in life have rendered it impossible. Ok, I don't really think Ms. Sevendicks is a whore. I don't really give a shit if she has taken on her entire county one family at a time. But the stupidity of her reclamation is mind blowingly fucktarded.
Are real virgins so hard to find that they actually had to put this woman on?
Josie wonders how one would bring up being, up to that point in your life, entirely unfuckable in casual first date conversation. She worded it differently of course but the point is the same.
I imagine having the television crew there filming it would help.
"Um, why are there all these people here filming us."
"Oh, these guys. Well, I'm thirty and so far I've repulsed every woman I've ever encountered. The closest I've come to any action was the time the nun kicked me in the nuts and sprayed me with mace. Misunderstanding really, we were waiting for the bus and it was a hundred degrees out. I said she looked hot. Wanna head back to my place, I'll show you my cool Star Wars collectables and if everything goes well, maybe these guys can film me losing my qualification to be on this show, if ya know what I mean?"
Women being virgins after the "teen" drops from their age is usually because of awkwardness at the mere thought of sex brought on by parents, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, and other equally annoying people preaching at them about how naughty being naked is.
Men being virgins at that same point is usually because they're fucking creepy.
If you are unfuckable, there is an email address on the web site looking for more virgins willing to share their non-stories.
Sometimes you just have to admire the unintentional humor of the world around us.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
One for the Road
I probably should have warned people. An oversight on my part. Let's fix that.
If you speak to or interact with me, there is a good chance something you said or did will end up in my writing one day. I will do my best to keep it as anonymous as possible but as this is about my life and you are in it, you're fair game.
Until next time, may whichever god you pray to bless you with someone willing to touch your happy place that you actually want touching it.
If you speak to or interact with me, there is a good chance something you said or did will end up in my writing one day. I will do my best to keep it as anonymous as possible but as this is about my life and you are in it, you're fair game.
Until next time, may whichever god you pray to bless you with someone willing to touch your happy place that you actually want touching it.
How to Build an Ego Without Even Trying
I was having lunch with one of my very good work friends. It was just after noon on a relatively nice day. We had gone through some fast food joint, come back to the store, and were sitting in her car chatting and eating.
Uh oh...a lull in the conversation. This is never good.
"Ya know, I've thought about it and I am just not attracted to you at all."
It's rare that I meet anyone as brutally honest as me but that girl makes me seem downright reserved.
We weren't even discussing it. Completely out of the blue.
I would love to have seen my face at that moment.
Many years ago, my far too pretty to be married to me wife was sitting at the table. I was standing near her and she was just staring at me.
"Why are you staring at me?"
"I just realized, you have really short legs. It's funny looking."
She insisted she didn't mean it how it sounded.
I was standing at the sink doing dishes. My daughter brought a plate from whatever she was eating over and drops it in the soap side.
With a pat on my belly, "hey, Tubby."
She just smiled at me.
The ladies in my life can be harsh.
Sometimes, even I am surprised I'm as conceited as I am.
Uh oh...a lull in the conversation. This is never good.
"Ya know, I've thought about it and I am just not attracted to you at all."
It's rare that I meet anyone as brutally honest as me but that girl makes me seem downright reserved.
We weren't even discussing it. Completely out of the blue.
I would love to have seen my face at that moment.
Many years ago, my far too pretty to be married to me wife was sitting at the table. I was standing near her and she was just staring at me.
"Why are you staring at me?"
"I just realized, you have really short legs. It's funny looking."
She insisted she didn't mean it how it sounded.
I was standing at the sink doing dishes. My daughter brought a plate from whatever she was eating over and drops it in the soap side.
With a pat on my belly, "hey, Tubby."
She just smiled at me.
The ladies in my life can be harsh.
Sometimes, even I am surprised I'm as conceited as I am.
Publicly Private
"Sorry, I don't mean to be ranting."
"It's ok. It makes you seem...human."
I was discussing something that had annoyed me at work with one of the people that I supervise. As I recall, it was about a customer that irritated me. The specifics of the conversation escape me but that particular quote amused and stayed with me.
The same person in the same conversation told me I always seem in control and don't seem to let things get to me.
I was quite literally laughing out loud at this point.
Those that know me well know I may be in control, but I get just as angry, annoyed, and bitchy as anyone else. I just don't show that to everyone. Sometimes it's not appropriate.
As I read the comment to my last post, that exchange was in my mind again.
I am still the profane, arrogant, humorous Monkey that you know and love.
But I am also human. Sometimes the dominate logical side of my brain loses the arguments that constantly rage in my mind. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the shit life throws at me.
I've been rather disappointed in myself lately because I have trouble finding something I find funny to write about. I really don't want this blog to be filled with gloom. I like when people tell me they read something I wrote and laughed all day about it. There really isn't a chemical high that can match the rush making people laugh brings.
When I first found out about my sister, a friend suggested I make a private blog to write just for myself. A place I could say anything without being judged, where I could just be me. I considered it, a private place for thoughts like the ones last night.
I decided against it because I want my writing to be an honest reflection of who I am. I want it to be the entire Monkey life experience, the good, the bad, and the disturbing.
That same friend told me I didn't need to always appear strong as I deal with losing my sister. Not because I am not strong but because those around me might think there is something wrong with them for not dealing as well as I do.
After reading what I wrote about the anger I still harbor toward my brother for the dickhead move he pulled, another friend wrote me to thank me. She too is a survivor of the ultimate act of selfishness. She too has been told she has to forgive. Reading what I wrote, she found someone that feels the same thing she has been told not to feel. She found someone that embraced it.
She found comfort in my pain.
And that is the real reason I am not making a private blog. If my insecurities, fears, and even irrational self loathing can make someone say, "if he feels that, maybe it's ok that I do," then it's a little easier to understand it all. It isn't all in vain. It isn't just the gods trying to see how much shit I can handle before I crack.
I will keep putting sometimes disturbing irrational things here. But it isn't anything to worry about.
As it turns out, I'm just human.
"It's ok. It makes you seem...human."
I was discussing something that had annoyed me at work with one of the people that I supervise. As I recall, it was about a customer that irritated me. The specifics of the conversation escape me but that particular quote amused and stayed with me.
The same person in the same conversation told me I always seem in control and don't seem to let things get to me.
I was quite literally laughing out loud at this point.
Those that know me well know I may be in control, but I get just as angry, annoyed, and bitchy as anyone else. I just don't show that to everyone. Sometimes it's not appropriate.
As I read the comment to my last post, that exchange was in my mind again.
I am still the profane, arrogant, humorous Monkey that you know and love.
But I am also human. Sometimes the dominate logical side of my brain loses the arguments that constantly rage in my mind. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the shit life throws at me.
I've been rather disappointed in myself lately because I have trouble finding something I find funny to write about. I really don't want this blog to be filled with gloom. I like when people tell me they read something I wrote and laughed all day about it. There really isn't a chemical high that can match the rush making people laugh brings.
When I first found out about my sister, a friend suggested I make a private blog to write just for myself. A place I could say anything without being judged, where I could just be me. I considered it, a private place for thoughts like the ones last night.
I decided against it because I want my writing to be an honest reflection of who I am. I want it to be the entire Monkey life experience, the good, the bad, and the disturbing.
That same friend told me I didn't need to always appear strong as I deal with losing my sister. Not because I am not strong but because those around me might think there is something wrong with them for not dealing as well as I do.
After reading what I wrote about the anger I still harbor toward my brother for the dickhead move he pulled, another friend wrote me to thank me. She too is a survivor of the ultimate act of selfishness. She too has been told she has to forgive. Reading what I wrote, she found someone that feels the same thing she has been told not to feel. She found someone that embraced it.
She found comfort in my pain.
And that is the real reason I am not making a private blog. If my insecurities, fears, and even irrational self loathing can make someone say, "if he feels that, maybe it's ok that I do," then it's a little easier to understand it all. It isn't all in vain. It isn't just the gods trying to see how much shit I can handle before I crack.
I will keep putting sometimes disturbing irrational things here. But it isn't anything to worry about.
As it turns out, I'm just human.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Fear and Self Loathing
My brain is a jumbled mess. I know, unusual, right? I partially blame the lack of sleep, which was somewhat intentional to get me ready to switch to working overnights for the next five days.
But that isn't all of it.
I usually know the right things to say. If nothing else, I offer a humorous distraction and then a comforting word. Lately, the comforting words sound hollow to me.
I mean them.
They are sincere.
But when all is said and done, they can't change anything.
I get to feeling sorry for myself. For what I am losing. And then I feel like a complete asshole because, relatively speaking, I have the easy part.
If you're keeping up, that makes me a confused asshole that feels worthless and sorry for myself.
Another night in the life....
Editor's note: The emotions in this blog should not be tried at home. The author is a professional self loathing asshole. Any attempts to recreate these feelings may lead to sobbing, anger, depression, and an overwhelming desire to punch a kitten.
But that isn't all of it.
I usually know the right things to say. If nothing else, I offer a humorous distraction and then a comforting word. Lately, the comforting words sound hollow to me.
I mean them.
They are sincere.
But when all is said and done, they can't change anything.
I get to feeling sorry for myself. For what I am losing. And then I feel like a complete asshole because, relatively speaking, I have the easy part.
If you're keeping up, that makes me a confused asshole that feels worthless and sorry for myself.
Another night in the life....
Editor's note: The emotions in this blog should not be tried at home. The author is a professional self loathing asshole. Any attempts to recreate these feelings may lead to sobbing, anger, depression, and an overwhelming desire to punch a kitten.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Five Hundred
Welcome to 500!!!
500 posts, many thousands of words, and one profane Monkey. To celebrate, I'm including some of my favorite lines from the early days of this blog. Why the early days? Well, an entire list of all my favorite lines would be too long to read. Ok, that's a lie. It would take too long for me to stay interested enough to find them all.
Enjoy.
------
You shouldn't be happy people know you're a big fat fuck!
When I realized my second favorite pass time was interrupted by a guy in a suit with a brief case and not a female friend with questionable morals, I got irritated.
And then it hit me, "Can my nuts get a brain tumor?"
Vibrating your nutsack is never a good idea.
Then the bitch (treadmill) sped up just as the evil bitch (nurse) said it would.
You die your way, I'll die mine.
A week of sexual depravity brought to you by the internet and incredibly low self esteem.
I refuse to be nice to dead people I hated when they were alive.
When eating sunflower seeds, do you ever stop to think that technically you're eating plant sperm?
How come no one ever says someone is moody if they are really really happy?
Fact: Most people piss me off. Yes, I know you know that but I need to say it at least 100 times a day and that was # 83.
Besides, if you are coming here looking for genuine life advice, you have more problems than I could possibly help you with.
Dry humping in the supermarket is not considered funny.
Desperate pervert seeks slut with incredibly low self esteem, big tits, and a fat ass. Shaving optional, bathing a must.
You haven't lived until a 90 year old woman with a deep nasty cough asks you for help in finding "the wipes for yeast infections."
If I wanted to be blind, I'd masturbate continually.
-----
If you haven't done so, check out the archives. Lots of good stuff in there. Sure, there is some crap but let's see you write 500 always interesting posts.
Thanks for reading along!
500 posts, many thousands of words, and one profane Monkey. To celebrate, I'm including some of my favorite lines from the early days of this blog. Why the early days? Well, an entire list of all my favorite lines would be too long to read. Ok, that's a lie. It would take too long for me to stay interested enough to find them all.
Enjoy.
------
You shouldn't be happy people know you're a big fat fuck!
When I realized my second favorite pass time was interrupted by a guy in a suit with a brief case and not a female friend with questionable morals, I got irritated.
And then it hit me, "Can my nuts get a brain tumor?"
Vibrating your nutsack is never a good idea.
Then the bitch (treadmill) sped up just as the evil bitch (nurse) said it would.
You die your way, I'll die mine.
A week of sexual depravity brought to you by the internet and incredibly low self esteem.
I refuse to be nice to dead people I hated when they were alive.
When eating sunflower seeds, do you ever stop to think that technically you're eating plant sperm?
How come no one ever says someone is moody if they are really really happy?
Fact: Most people piss me off. Yes, I know you know that but I need to say it at least 100 times a day and that was # 83.
Besides, if you are coming here looking for genuine life advice, you have more problems than I could possibly help you with.
Dry humping in the supermarket is not considered funny.
Desperate pervert seeks slut with incredibly low self esteem, big tits, and a fat ass. Shaving optional, bathing a must.
You haven't lived until a 90 year old woman with a deep nasty cough asks you for help in finding "the wipes for yeast infections."
If I wanted to be blind, I'd masturbate continually.
-----
If you haven't done so, check out the archives. Lots of good stuff in there. Sure, there is some crap but let's see you write 500 always interesting posts.
Thanks for reading along!
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