An Explanation of Sorts

Josie noted my positive mood and wondered what had become of the Monkey. Pull up a chair folks, this is a long one.

Friends often ask me how I have dealt with the pain of losing my mother and brother. They say things like "I don't know how you do it" and "you have a really healthy attitude." I'm going to let you in on a little secret, for all I lost, I gained so much more.

First, I have what many people don't. I have memories of them. Out of six billion people, the gods included me in the special few that got to know them. Kinda hard to be depressed by that.

More importantly, I gained myself. I've mentioned before that my older brother was my hero but I've never explained how deeply that ran. Until his death, I wanted to be him. I had him help me pick out clothes, I listened to the music he listened to, whenever he'd let me, I'd hang out with him and his friends. When he died, I literally didn't know who to be. I'd spent my entire life trying to be him and suddenly my example was gone.

I spent the next several years figuring out who I was. What I learned was that inside I was me all along, I just had trouble showing me to everyone else. I wasn't just imitating my older brother, we really were a lot alike. I was recently reminded of that and that's why I've been so upbeat.

When I first got online I looked for her. I searched every data base I could think of trying to find her. A decade of fruitless searching paid off about a week ago.

Who is she? Calm down, I'm getting to that.

My older brother came home all excited one day. He was worked up over some girl he saw at work. Remember, he was 16 and I was 14 so talking about good looking girls we'd seen wasn't out of the ordinary. But this girl was different. She had put in an application to work where my brother worked and he immediately went to the manager to suggest he hire her. She was hired, they fell in love, and the rest is too sappy for even me to write.

I warned you this would be a long one.

The first bond between her and I formed on the day of my mother's memorial service. We'd talked a little before then but that day she earned a place in my heart. We walked out of the chapel and there was a bench sitting against a wall. I walked over and sat down. I was mad at myself. As much as I tried, I couldn't cry. I thought something was wrong with me. We'd just said goodbye to my mom and I couldn't spare a tear for her.

I don't know why she did it but Lisa (that's her name) came over and sat next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was ok. I just started balling.

Over the next few months we grew closer. She'd come visit my brother, he'd fall asleep, and she'd drift down the hall to my room. She'd sit on the corner of my bed and chat with me as I played video games until my brother woke up. Those times proved to be a sad foreshadow of things to come. She and I brought together by his selfishness.

As you might imagine, when he died, she and I became even closer. The first thoughts I remember after coming out of the shock of learning that he'd hung himself were of her. I've always been a protector of my friends and family. If someone is threatening them, I put myself in their path. That's the easy part. Protecting them from internal pain is an entirely different matter. That's where a sense of humor comes in.

In the days following his death, I cried a lot. But when she was around, I'd do everything I could think of to make her laugh. In an odd way, trying to comfort her comforted me. When I was thinking about keeping her from crying, I wasn't thinking about what I had lost. I'm not sure that will make any sense but there it is.

Over the next 2 years, we were together a lot. I can't really describe our relationship. I'd say we were more than friends but that term has sexual connotations that simply don't apply. Don't get me wrong, the girl was, and still is, beautiful. But that wasn't part of it. The bond we share was forged in the fires of emotional hell. As much as I tried to be a rock she could lean on, she was my strength through it all.

When my family moved from Virginia, I didn't have her phone number for some reason. I wasn't too worried about it because I still knew lots of people back there that could put me in touch. But, life got in the way. My wife and I had a baby. And then another. And still another. Suddenly years had passed. I lost contact with everybody, which includes anybody that could have helped me get in touch with her.

Last week, through facebook, I found her. It was as though a piece of myself had been returned to me that night. She and I talked on the phone until my battery died. Two nights later, we talked even longer.

So, to answer the question that started this long post, I'm in a good mood lately because yet again the gods have blessed me with more than I deserve. I have an amazing wife, three great children, the best friends any guy could ever ask for, and my Lisa. In short, its a wonderful life.

Forgot to Title This One!

For years people have been trying to prove that video games are bad for you. And now they are at it again, only this time, video game players are depressed.

Like alcohol, playing a video game has nothing to do with changing your personality. It may amplify who you are but it doesn't change it. Newsflash, some people are just unhealthy. Some are assholes. Some are shy. And they were like that long before video games hit the scene.

More on the Last Topic

I've been thinking about the study in that last post. Ask most men and they will happily tell you that once they start dating a woman, other women suddenly seem interested. So I don't doubt the findings.

Well, not entirely. Something doesn't sit right with their methodology. The people involved knew it was a study on attraction, not a dating service. There were no consequences for the single women saying they'd pick a taken man.

And to make it worse, all the women were shown the exact same picture. I'm assuming the guy was somewhat attractive but, as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Now, if they could repeat the results with a guy that looks like he'd been drug across the pavement on his face, we could look at this more seriously.

When you add in factors like self esteem, promiscuity, and other variables, it just makes the study far too vague. I think some women are attracted to taken men but 90% seems extremely high.

Women!

A new study shows that when offered the the choice, single women are more attracted a man that is already in a romantic relationship.

I can't believe they had to do a study on this. You coulda just asked us guys and we'd have told ya that once we start a relationship all kinds of women suddenly have interest in us. The real question is why. And for once, I don't have an opinion.

Just found it interesting.

That's It

You have no right not to be offended. None. If you're offended by something you read, hear, or see, stop reading, listening, or watching whatever the hell it was that pissed you off.

Don't take it away from the rest of us. Easily offended people offend me but you don't see me pushing to have them locked away where I never have to deal with them. Why? Because even my arrogance has limits.

Do you have any idea how fucking conceited it is to think that just because something offends you it shouldn't exist? And how cowardly it is to try and reshape the world into something that doesn't cause you any unrest?

If this applies to you, sincerely, go fuck yourself. I hope you get hit by a plane.

I Need Ugly

My good friend Zane insisted I give him credit for inspiring this post.

Do you have ugly friends? As I consider the question, I wonder how colored by emotion my answer is. I don't have any friends I would describe as ugly. And its not that I'm just being nice, if its ugly, its ugly. I may not say it to them, unless directly asked, but I wouldn't lie to you fine readers about it.

I'm feeling kinda superficial.

So, in order to ease my guilt, I am now taking applications for an ugly friend. Simply fill out the following and submit your answers to the comments.

1. What is your name. Don't bother telling me what you like to be called, I will shorten your name to my liking.

2. Age. This will not be held against you.

3. Sex. This will be held against you. Men need not apply.

4. On a scale from 1 to 10, how ugly are you?

5. Has anyone ever vomited after meeting you?

6. Are you sensitive about being ugly? Read this blog carefully before submitting if you are.

7. Besides being my ugly friend, what will you bring to the relationship?

8. Have you ever had sex with the lights on?

9. Is your entire family ugly or just you?

10. In the event that my far too pretty to be married to me wife ever comes to her senses and leaves me, will you be willing to fuck me under circumstances I can deny? If so, what sexual limits do you have?

Contenders will be notified in my usual timely manner.

I'm Batman

Reading the answers from various responders to the meme I just did, I was struck by how many people had career goals when they were young. My wife wanted to be a vet, my best friend wanted to be a marine biologist.

I wanted to be Batman. Hell, I'd still like to be Batman. Rich, lots of cool toys, jet powered car, and a different hot chick every issue. What's not to like?

This is one of those issues that makes me realize how different I am from others. Growing up, I just assumed everyone wanted to be rich and famous. That some people are perfectly happy just being never entered my mind. And to be honest, I still find the idea odd.

My foster sister and I were once discussing life and she asked me, "didn't you always know we'd be blue collar?" Honestly, no. It just seems so ordinary. This may sound conceited but ordinary just isn't for me.

I want it all. Fame, fortune, and a mansion over my secret lair.

Back in the Saddle Again

Shamelessly stolen from my good friends on Facebook!

----------

You've been tagged, you have the honor of copying all these goofy questions, writing your own response, and tagging 25 other victims. You have to tag me so really you just need 24 more people. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you - but not in a creepy stalker kind of way.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your title as "Getting to know each other!", tag 25 people including me (tagging is done in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.


TAG YOU'RE IT!!!!!!!


1. What time did you get up this morning?
11 am.

2. How do you like your steak?
Medium.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Harry Potter, The half-blood Prince

4. What is your favorite TV show?
This isn't starting off well. I hope the questions improve.


5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
In a house.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Chili cheese Fritos. Don't judge me.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Seriously, this is just boring.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Is this what you really want to know about me? Seriously?

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Can we please move past the food?

10. Favorite salad dressing?
Damn you're curious about my eating habits.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Still a stupid question but at least it isn't about fuckin food. I drive a minivan or Jeep.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
None.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Your mother's bed.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Its actually just under half full.

15. Where would you want to retire?
Your mother's bed.

16. Favorite time of day?
3 am.

17. Where were you born?
San Diego.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Football.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
No one is gonna tag me back because I don't do the tag thing.

20. Person you expect to tag you back?
See above.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
uhhh...

22. Bird watcher?
Yeah, and when I'm done with that I like to watch the fuckin grass grow.

23. Hobby?
Golf, PC games, and recreational masturbation.

24. Do you have any pets?
Yes.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
No, but thanks for asking.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Batman.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Playing "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" with the girl across the street. She went first.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Pussy, all the way.

29. Are you married?
Yes.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Since the 75 dollar ticket, yes.

31. Been in a car accident?
What kind of bad luck are you wishing on me? This is like mentioning someone is pitching a perfect game before the game is over. Go fuck yourself.

32. Any pet peeves?
Stupid people and their spawn.

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Cheese.

34. Favorite Flower?
Sorry, I'm not gay.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Vanilla.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
For food, Taco Bell. To see amazingly beautiful women, the local McDonald's.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Zero.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Beats me, I don't read that shit.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Best Buy.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I rarely plan anything.

41. Like your job?
Yep. Its the people I have to deal with that piss me off.

42. Broccoli?
Are we questioning the existence?

43. What was your favorite vacation?
The trip to the Atlantic with the wife and kids.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My wife and children.

45. What are you listening to right now?
Air Supply. Don't judge me.

46. What is your favorite color?
Why is this question in every fuckin one of these?

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None. I like me as is.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Zero.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
Am I supposed to come back to this or play Ms. Cleo?

50. Coffee Drinker?
Not even if it was poured from your mother's breast.

51. What is a goal you want to achieve in the next 5 years?
To be 5 years older. I'd bet on me.

The Plight of the Modern American Male

Men and women are different. I realize that sounds like a fairly obvious statement but its really not. As our country moved from open bigotry to the civil rights movement, a really stupid idea popped up and took hold, everyone is created equal.

Its the kind of feel good stupidity hippies dream up between bong hits. Go any place where there are groups of people and it takes exactly 2 seconds to see that genetics, economics, acne, and dandruff prove beyond any reasonable doubt that inequality is the rule, not the exception.

Feminism took the idea that men and women are equal and actually convinced a large portion of the male population that in order to get laid, they had to act like women. Men went so far to prove just how feminine they were that there was actually a show on television dedicated to gay men telling straight men how to act, dress, cook, and shave.

But a funny thing has happened on the way to the metrosexual hair salon. Both men and women started to realize that men acting like women is kinda gay, which is only really attractive to gay men.

It hasn't all been bad. Men should be in hospital delivery rooms if their wives/girl friend/late night booty call asks them to be. Men should help around the house. What we shouldn't do is forget we are men. There is nothing wrong with liking breasts, making crude remarks about those breasts, or imagining what playing with those breasts feels like. Its part of being a man. Asking men to surpress it is like asking a lion not to eat gazelles, which we also like to watch.

Farting, fighting, drinking, swearing, its all part of being a man. Should we do all those things in front of women? That's your call. If you're trying to get laid, go with what works. But, and this is a huge but, don't commit to the part. What I mean is simply this, if you wake up 10 years after a date to find yourself married to a woman that thinks you're a raging pussy, that's your fault. You don't have to fart on a first date but by your wedding day, your blushing bride should know that nachos and cheap beer processed through your colon could kill any pets you have.

Be yourself and you will more likely find someone that wants to be with you. And in the end, that's better for everyone invovled.

Science?

New frogs have been found. No one knows how long humans have been on this planet but its been at least several thousand years. And in all that time, no one noticed 200 different types of frogs?

I don't trust scientists. Not because I think they are bad people but because we know far too little about our own surroundings. This isn't discovering some new planet we couldn't see with the naked eye. This is 200 frogs living right here on the same fuckin planet.

We've come a long way folks, but this is just more proof of how much further we need to go.

Vagifamous

I am so sick of Jon and Kate plus 8. I am tired of them and all they represent. Yes, its wonderful that she had 6 kids in her at once and all of them made it out safe and sound. Welcome to the 21st century.

My wife watches this show and she loves these people. I watch this show with her and want to throw something through the goddamn TV. Getting knocked up, even with the help of a doctor, is not a fucking skill. Its not worthy of praise in any way. Crackheads can get knocked up, we don't put them on TV for doing so.

Now I know someone is going to say, "but Last, she had 6 babies at once." Fine, put her on animal planet. Its still not a fuckin skill worthy of fame.

On the show last night, they were on vacation. Which is kinda redundant to write because they are always on vacation. Most folks with 8 kids are too busy working to go skiing, but not Jon and Kate. Nope, they exploited the fuck out of their children and now, when Jon's not out fucking girls barely out of high school, they spend all their time on vacation.

Kate, the annoying overbearing bitch that she is, says at one point, "If we can go on vacation with 8 kids, anyone can do it." And then the camera shows 2 nannies taking care of the kids with the parents nowhere to be seen.

Anyone can go on vacation and "do it" if someone else is taking care of their kids you snotty self aggrandizing ignorant twat. Its just that most of us actually have to raise the kids we have and pay for our vacations, with real jobs.

And if watching a spoiled cunt and her philandering husband exploit their children isn't bad enough, they describe what they did as you watch it. And not in an insightful way, oh no, that'd take brains they have repeatedly shown they don't have. Instead you get "this child liked skiing" while video of the child skiing is playing. You can literally feel your IQ dropping while watching.

The only way I can watch this show is by picturing how ugly the divorce will be. I just hope it gets as much air time as any one of their unearned vacations gets. Fuck them.

Article Two: Why Nice Guys Finish Last

Article Two.

Why do nice guys finish last? They don't. Period.

I'm a nice guy and I met the girl of my dreams when I was 16 and 18 years later, I'm still with her. I don't know a single jerk that has accomplished that.

The problem comes from the terms we use. Nice guys don't finish last, idiots and pussies do.

In the first story the author shares, the guy is too nice for the girl to date. At least, that what the girl says. The truth is that the guy is a wuss, at her constant beck and call. He's got no backbone and there is nothing nice about letting yourself get used. His best hope is that she eventually gets tired of other guys treating her like shit and then finally gives him a turn. And if that happens, at some point there is a good chance another bad boy will come along and the poor bastard will be left wondering why she left.

Why? Because he's an idiot and a pussy. She doesn't respect him. And folks, if a woman you are with doesn't respect you, the best you can hope for is to be her fill in between guys she does respect.

While the behavior may sometimes look the same, there is a huge difference between being a nice guy and being a door mat. If you've ever complained that you don't get the girl because you're too nice, you're the latter.

Article One: Dating Tips

Dating Tips.

A list of 9 flirting moves and 2 people's opinion of whether they work or not.

I'm going to begin by point out that some of this isn't flirting. The very first entry, for instance, eye contact. Simply looking at someone in the eye for more than 5 seconds isn't a sign of anything. Especially across a bar. Do you know how hard it is to tell if someone is actually even looking at you? But lets say they are. Its entirely possible that they are just looking around, caught your gaze, and got stuck for a second on the only person to have made contact back.

Tip 2, winking. Women, you can wink. Guys, unless you're in conversation with the woman and being clever, don't wink. Its creepy.

The hair flip is a little more involved than either of the folks writing this stuff would have us believe. Its not just a hair flip. And this is another one that only works for women. A guy flipping his hair just looks gay. But for women, it can be a signal that she likes you. It could also just be her getting her hair out of her face. How can you tell the difference? If you don't know, its probably not the only hint you're missing. But as a general rule, if she's playing with her hair as opposed to thrashing around like a shark with a seal, its a good bet she's being flirty, purposefully or otherwise.

This hair flip thing should tell anyone interested all they need to know about the authors. There is scientific research that shows women do this whether they mean to or not when they are interested in someone. That neither author seems to know that speaks volumes about how lonely you will be following their advice.

Jumping ahead we have the accidental touch. An accidental touch is when someone bumps into you. If someone puts their hand on your arm when you're sitting across from them on a date, there is nothing accidental about it. The reaction to this is far more important than the action here. If you put your hand on her arm and she pulls it away like someone spilled acid on it, the date isn't going well.

The rest is a mix of jaw dropping stupidity. For instance, the woman in the article finds playing footsies to be cheesy. And while I don't necessarily disagree, she has absolutely no problem pretending to suck a dick on a date. Not only does she not have a problem with it, she says to always, always (she actually used the word twice) suck on something at some point in your date.

You know what's going to happen if you follow her advice? Your date will get the distinct impression that you'd like to suck his dick. Why? Because that's what you're telling him. And if that is your goal, by all means, suck away. Otherwise, you'd be better off just telling the guy that you enjoy his company.

Sorry to disappoint people but there aren't flirting moves that always work. Flirting requires both people to be attracted to each other on some level. And if you are, how you go about flirting can be as varied as the depth of attraction. But if two people are repulsed by one another, either one of them using these tips "that always work" will make them repulsive and creepy.

My Loss is Your Gain

That title is arrogant even for me. But it made me laugh so we're sticking with it. I'm home from work today with horrific pain in my stomach. I'd go back to bed but I'm not tired. So, I've been reading and damned if I didn't find not one but two articles about dating/relationships that I just can't pass up. Let's see if I can live up to the title of this post.